Sex with an Ex: Good or Bad?

March 24th, 2015 § 0 comments § permalink

cupid-deadAn article in The Daily Mail a while back told of a couple who’d been married in 1954, divorced a few years later after a bitter row and got married again in 2004 after a 50 year separation.

The wife, now 90, said, ‘it was wonderful seeing him again, we gelled straight away like we had never been apart.”

Isn’t that the cutest story you ever heard?

Of course if they hadn’t had that stupid row in the first place, they might have spent those fifty years together. (Cynical? Me?)

It’s a sex with an ex story with a happy ending. Ah, what’s rare is beautiful.

More often than not sex with an ex is tricky territory.

The infamous Samantha Jones of Sex and The City says the occasion is fraught because if, “it’s good you can never have it again and if it’s bad, you just had sex with an ex.’

Perhaps fifty years is the time it takes to forget what pissed you off about an ex in the first place and therefore seriously consider giving the relationship another go. In which case, it’s probably just as well that most of us don’t make it to 90.

The implications of sex with an ex are typically the following: it’s a one-off, never to be repeated, a sneaky dip into the past, a salacious reminder of what never was.

Despite these constraints, there is something tender and delicious at the prospect of sex with an ex. There’s that unique familiarity, haunting allure, hidden potential and shared history. It’s the shared history that makes the whole thing rife with danger.

As it is, sex for the single girl can be tricky. Sure there is always the option to pick up a random dick. For me, the shallowness of that activity had lost its allure before I hit thirty.

That said a girl has needs. Enter the ex boyfriend.

Firstly, the sex is not explicitly hollow as there was once love there. More importantly, you can be quite confident that you know what the sex will be like having indulged in it with him many times before.

Enter the catch. Once done, it can either remind you why the relationship ended in the first place or it can leaving you wanting more.

Either way, sex with an ex brings up memories from the past and leaves you wondering about the whole relationship matrix.

There must be something in the air because in the last six months, I’ve tangoed in the bedroom with two different exes. While one experience left me broken-hearted, the other led me to see that ex in a new forgiving light.

This is not familiar territory for me. I am not in contact with any exes from my Twenties. Not so the Thirties boys. In fact one of my exes is one of my best friends. Is this maturity?

When you can be good friends with an ex, it’s great. Again what’s rare is beautiful. But this only works when there is no lingering hint of sexual attraction.

In the same way that it’s never works to use friends for sex, boundaries have to be drawn with the exes.

Although my two occasions were very different experiences, both shared a distinct feature. In stark contradiction to the previous connection I shared with these guys, suddenly it was all about the sex. And nothing else.

Having once imagined a future with him, then dealt with and accepted the demise of that future, it was weird to be intimate and expect nothing at all.

Ironically, both of them would have been happier and the relationships would probably have lasted if I’d had that attitude when we were together. Life?

I’m just not made that way. I have no interest in no strings sex. The strings are what make it interesting. As a result I felt like I was using them. Something that had once felt sacred between us had shifted. Despite the intimate history, we were suddenly sexual strangers.

Sex with an actual stranger is about the moment – in fact it can’t be about anything else because that moment is perhaps all you know or will ever know about that person.

Sex with an ex is all about all the moments that went before and might come after. How can it be anything else? In order for it to be just about the moment, you’d either have to have no feelings or no memories.

I suppose it comes down to attitude. If you are doing it on the basis that it might rekindle old feelings, make that clear before the action starts. If it’s just for fun, with no expectations, well then it can be anything you want it to be.

Ultimately sex with an ex is disappointing because it will not be the way you remember it and the only thing it will remind you of is what never was.

So while sex with someone new has all the tantalizing possibilities of the unknown … sex with an ex, it’s going nowhere but the boner graveyard.

Why One-Night Stands are Old-Fashioned – the Rise of the Fuck Buddy

October 11th, 2012 § 0 comments § permalink

A recent article in the Huffington Post cited a new report, which claimed that sexual attraction between friends of the opposite sex leads to confusion rather than benefits.

We here at XX News have two things to say in response to this report. Firstly, absolute balderdash. Secondly, what a load of poppycock. (As you can tell we had our thinking hats on when we came up with these responses.)

Who the hell would not want to be attracted to their mates? If you’re not it means your mates are probably dog ugly and who wants a bunch of fugly friends? (Uh, no one ed. Exactly.)

These days, it’s fair to say that ‘friends with benefits’ are all the rage. I mean everyone who’s anyone has done the dirty deed with a good friend and if they’re lucky enough continues to do so on a regular basis with no strings attached. (Do bondage ropes count ed? Duh, no!)

There are many reasons why fuck buddies are so much more preferable to one-night stands and here are just a few of them.

Firstly one-night stands are so 1980s and should be relegated to the back of the time capsule along with Tom Cruise, legwarmers and mullet hairstyles.

Secondly one-night stands usually begin in seedy bars where copious amounts of alcohol have been consumed along with various illegal substances that range from Class A to Class C.

This kind of consumption is guaranteed to lead to 1. beer goggles, 2. beer fear, which basically means 1. you’re attracted to anyone with a pulse and 2. will die of shock when you see who’s in your bed next morning.

It’s also worth bearing in mind that while drink and drugs guarantee a good time in bars and clubs, their effectiveness in the bedroom is debatable. Let’s face it no one wants the embarrassment of droopy dick or the nightmare of unwanted pregnancy; the chances of both happening increase by 50 percent after a night on the Tequila.

Thirdly and most excruciating of all is the moment of departure after the one-night stand. This is particularly painful when you realise in the light of day that under normal circumstances there’s no way in hell you’d let this person stroke your dog, never mind touch your privates.

There are practical reasons too. Having casual sex with someone that you actually know dramatically decreases the chances of that person robbing you blind while you enjoy a post-coital nap.

Also there’s sexual history to consider. You just don’t where a stranger or their genitals have been and if they’re into casual sex, you can pretty much take it for granted that they’ve been around.

Not that the XX News team are suggesting that you go out and bonk all your mates. The rules of attraction still apply and this delicate arrangement will only work with a select few. All we’re saying is that when it does work it beats the hell out of banging random strangers you’ve met in bars.

One final suggestion: go forth and be friendly. ;)



How To Have Your Sex Cake and Eat It!

October 11th, 2012 § 0 comments § permalink

I read on Twitter the other day that the gay lover of John Travolta says the Pulp Fiction star is insatiable in bed. WTF! I got no problem with people switching sides but John Travolta? That’s defo way left field.

We all know John knows how to live. This is a man who has conquered the silver screen and scientology. He’s an experienced pilot and an ambassador for Qantas. He’s survived near total career death in the 80s and the tragic death of his son, Jett, in 2009.

He’s already quashed the accusations of one anonymous masseuse back in May 2012 who claimed that Travolta sexually assaulted him. It’s not the only accusation of assault in Travolta’s closet.

The thing is, can we imagine that the man who played Tony Manero, Danny Zuko and Vincent Vega might have the sexual appetite of a porn star on Viagra? Damn right we can. In short, Travolta’s got the kudos and the cojones to back up the bogus claims.

And this, ladies and gentlemen is the secret to bedding your sex cake and keeping leftovers for dessert … without spoiling your appetite or your reputation for that matter.

It’s all about ‘front.’ Pauly D would call it ‘swag’ but no matter how many Vegas venues the D Meister plays, he will always look like a slut. The reason why Travolta gets away with it is that he doesn’t play it up. He plays his swagger down which in effect means he gets away with having gay lovers, threesomes and whatever else tickles his wayward fancies.

I mean, is it possible that Travolta is the type of man who gets in from the office every day at seven, has Kelly fetch his slippers and enjoys a nice roast with the kiddles. Sure he does but every day? Very unlikely.

He’s the kind of man that refuses to be pinned down which is why him and Kelly have famously spent a bundle on marriage counselling. Somehow he manages to maintain a butter-wouldn’t-melt public façade while all the clues are there that he lives the life of a maverick sex stud.

According to Travolta’s alleged ‘ex-boyfriend’ the couple spent six years together and JT is the jealous type. Seemingly Travolta admitted that given the choice, he prefers men. Pop prattle or hardcore truth? Only those in the know, know but either way the idea is out there and no one really cares. It’s just another notch on Travolta’s impressive bedpost.

Throughout the heady accusations, JT has kept a low profile. In public Travolta is – dare I say? – demure. Behind closed doors who the hell knows what goes on in his feverish life. Hence, the key to having your sex cake and eating it lies in the ability to maintain an inconspicuous front. As Vincent Vega would say, you gotta be ‘cool.’


Note: Lawyer’s for Mr. J. Travolta dismiss all these ‘gay’ allegations as pulp fiction.